My Mother – a Borderline/Narcisstic Personality
This article is not about my narcissistic boss. It’s about parents; my first encounters with the N-kind. They are the reason that Mr. Narcadoodle J. Boss was able to identify me as an easy target and great vendor of narcissistic supply.
My mother (now 84-years-old) was actually diagnosed with “Paranoid Schizophrenia” when I was a toddler, but from what I can tell, she operates in borderline/narcissistic mode. I don’t see Schizophrenia in her. But, who knows? Maybe that’s really what she is. It feels quite narcissistic, though.
This morning, I told her that I was looking forward to having her on Christmas Eve. She responded “There was a write up on sex-traffickers on the front page of the paper this morning.”
“Mom, that’s why I don’t take the paper. I just can’t think about that kind of thing right now. Can we please not talk about that?”
If I had not said that, she would have read the entire article to me. She knows this is an issue. I have asked her at least 30 or 40 times to stop with the sex-trafficking discussions over the last five years. She quips that she will bring all of her papers for me to read up on sex-trafficking. It’s likely that her boyfriend is sitting in the living room with her and she’s acting cute for him. It’s always like that with her. Bless his heart, he’s a good old soul. She dominates him with an iron fist and he is the best narcissistic supply she’s ever had.
“Okay. Mom, but please don’t make me listen to that when you’re here.”
Mother has a great sense of humor, and she is laughing. “That’s all I will talk about. We’ll go over all the stories in the newspapers!”
“I am serious. Please.”
Now she shifts gears. She’s enraged. “I won’t do anything to offend you daughter darling.”
She’s picking at me. “Daughter darling” is a reference to child abuser Joan Crawford’s biography (written by her adopted daughter Christina Crawford) and the blockbuster hit movie “Mommy Dearest.” She’s doing it because she’s experiencing a narcissistic injury. For some reason, even after 58 years she still thinks I won’t set a boundary with her, or at least try to.
“Mom, why would you want to upset me? Do you want me to speak on nothing except what deeply offends you?”
She screeches at me. “I won’t do one thing that you don’t like! Will that be okay?”
I don’t get flustered or yell at her. I respond, “Okay. Sounds good. That’s usually what people do at holiday gatherings.”
She grabs her gaslight and starts making excuses for the shitty behavior. I woke her up. She had nodded off in her chair and when she woke up she just saw that in her lap and started talking about it.
The last time she got so determined to make me talk about something unpleasant to me it was discussions about various neglectful or abusive issues with dogs or cats. My mother isn’t a pet person, nor a pet abuser, but she will torture me by making me aware of situations that I have no control over and cannot fix. I feel quite strongly about animals. In one instance, when my step-grandfather’s dog was living alone in the house and room the old guy died in, my mother had to discuss it with me daily. My heart breaks right this minute telling you about the dog laying on his master’s house shoes day in and day out. His sons went to see about the dog a couple of times a day but were grief-stricken, too. It took awhile for them to handle the situation. The old man wanted the dog put to sleep when he was gone because he felt no one would take care of the dog. I wanted to go get the dog, but I didn’t have the means or a place to take care of him. I had two dogs already. It kills me to discuss it now, but that’s the kind of thing my mother makes me talk about. I wish I didn’t have that memory.
Anyhow, I end the call with Mother without more trouble and sit down to write this before I forget it. It’s so routine for us, these pointless and often painful discussions. But, it’s a great look into why things don’t really fluster me….how I became accustom to dealing with people like Narcadoodle J. Boss.
Upon reflecting on this call and writing this article, I think of my son.
I love him with all my heart. He is 35 years old and would not hesitate to set a boundary with me. I’m glad because that means we have respect for one another; we have boundaries already.
I would not hesitate to observe it. I might feel a little offended or embarrassed that he needed to remind me to talk about another subject, but I certainly would shut up about it. There are at least a billion other topics to chat about aside from the one that the other person wants to avoid.
I want to get along with my boy. My mother does not want to get along with me. It’s that simple. She said she does, but she can’t.
It seems that the behaviors of narcissistic parents are so fluid that they don’t fall into patterns like Phase I – Phase VII. If I had to identify what was going on here with Mother, it’s probably a bit of control and gaslighting.